Our Father...

Our Father God,

I begin this day, both with thanksgiving and trepidation.  On the one hand, I want to grow in every spiritual and material way possible.  This desire to move from where I am to where I need and want to be puts me at odds with hackneyed habits that define and describe my life.  Scripture reassures me that You have not given me a spirit of fear.  Instead, You have bequeathed me with power and love and a sound mind. Why, then, have I awakened today feeling some kind of way, as people ask now? In fact, I awake most mornings this way more often than not! 

I am compelled to seek You, Father, for it's only through the Holy Trinity that the strongholds I've erected may be diminished or demolished. "Of myself, I can do nothing but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" become both sentinel and refuge.  Help me, Father, to fully embrace the truth that You are God who controls everything.  For much too long I've offered these words but acted in contradiction.  Somehow, I've behaved in an autonomy as if my efforts determine what happens next.

I've given others and myself power that belongs only to You.  I've depended on people to initiate, not  You.  Help me understand and accept Your sovereignty, an act that should be reflexive, authentic, and unquestioned.  Mostly, I've presumed a stance that blithely expects life to obey my  directives

"It's as if there's no direct connection between the Triune God and what happens to the prayers, requests, and responses I receive.  In fact, as an English major, I boast parsing skills to parse God's description of Himself.  A simple sentence, it contains the standard subject and predicate verb.

God declares His identity to Moses as "I AM WHO I AM" in Exodus 3:14a."  

The sentence contains a proper pronoun-subject ("I") and introduces the predicate verb "Am Who I Am, which includes a passive verb, proper pronoun, and verb.   While "I AM WHO I AM " may represent a prototypical declarative sentence, it has taken me the better part of my lifetime to uncover what God said about Himself. 

Jehovah explained Himself because Moses hesitated to go before the Pharaoh without a portfolio. Understanding this basic identity has taken the better part of a lifetime.   Unfortunately, I have allowed myself to be lulled into a weirdly false narrative that everything begins and ends with me.  Whoa, now! (Grand)Mama used to remind me, "Girl, you're not the end-all-and-be-all!"  No! I'm not narcissistic, even though I may act as if this center of action comes naturally.  Well, I'm not!

I learned years ago that a sentence beginning with "I am," should never end with a negative descriptor, like "sick," "depressed" or even "fat."  Sunday school teachers warned us about attaching a negative attribute to the appellation God gave Himself. "I Am Who I Am."  Still, I'd sometimes slip and declare an untoward, "I am sad or disappointed or confused!"  No! God is "Good" and only  Good! 

I use this method to "talk" freely with You, Father, to share misgivings, fears, hopes, aspirations,  questions, and even dreams,  even though You know my thoughts afar off.  Mostly, fear motivates the outpouring of my heart.    Yet, Your Word assures me that before I ask You answer.  Why do I struggle to believe Your Word, to trust You?

The Holy Bible comes with instructions, promises, warnings, and reassurances.  I've read hundreds, some over and over.  Thanks to Your generosity, I have memorized many more.  In fact, it took years to fully realize the impact of the question Jesus asked the father of a child afflicted with a debilitating condition.  

"Do you believe," Jesus asked the child's father?

Evidently misunderstanding the question (as I have), the boy's father said, "Yes, Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!"  

Neither the dad (nor I) realized the intent and significance of the query.   

WHO  can do it, Jesus asked?" The dad answered, assuming Jesus' question was focused solely on the father's capacity!

Instead, "Do you trust that I Jesus, not you Dad, can heal your son," stood as the challenge.

I wonder, God, how many of us children have thought like the misguided father most of our lives,.  We assume that everything depended on him or us!  Too many, I'd posit.  Father, You do it all and always have,  ever since You moved onto the black abyss and declared, "Let there be light, and there was light!" 

I still wonder why I assumed it always depended on me.  Hmm.