Perspective

 

I marked life's events and circumstances in upper-case letters for years.  Decade after decade. I made no distinction between large or little, unimportant or significant, attention-riveting, or mundane happenstance.  Every little thing deserved equal attention.  Either I did not realize what I was doing or I suffered from a complacent myopia.   It became easier to view EVERYTHING through the lens of imminent or indisputable catastrophe. 

Of course, this indecision exhausted me and ultimately excused me from responding to much of anything at all. Really, how could I be expected to carve out the time to address so many events, all of them of major consequence?  Hmm.  In fact, how long could a lightbulb shine without flickering? How long could a question look me in the eye before I blinked?  I lived amid endless questions.

How long would inertia masquerade as thoughtful consideration? Certainly not forever, I eventually realized. I'd thought I'd hidden apathy and disengagement from myself but finally had to face it head-on. Oh, the shame! I heard Daddy'svoice clearly:,"You're a Taylor! You come from strong stock!" My dad and his dad were fighters. They knew who they were and how important winning against the odds was.   Generational Southerners, they didn't run; they surely never hid.  "Stop this foolishness now," his voice echoed strongly in my history!

Finally,  life, the real world, intruded, replete with a pair of spectacles unencumbered by rose-colored lenses.  I could no longer avoid or deny that by default the "train done left the station!"   Somehow, lowercase letters began to populate thoughts and merge with other grammatical devices; the contrasts lightened, brightened, and enlightened.  In reality, not everything can hold identical importance.

The result of my infantile fear of decision-making had become embarrassing and draining and now assaulted my self-image.  How right Daddy's assessment had been! I'm not an indecisive wimp, either. (A "nerd," maybe, but that's a different tale entirely).  I recognized the power in Apostle Paul's boast, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).  The Rip Van Winkle in me woke up, stretched, looked around in astonishment, and knew in my bones that I could now see clearly!  

Except it wasn't that easy; nothing magical attaches to change! Change requires introspection, which initially stymied me.  It takes perseverance, commitment, and grit. I had to summon courage in spades until the wimpish me sidled away. I tested the strength of my knees and muscles in my calves   Yet, I walked determined even if I metaphorically lurched a little at first.  How did I measure growth? I looked directly in the mirror, no matter how many times I passed one.  Most importantly, I also looked straight into another person's eyes. 

I remember  old lyrics that declared that there actually is nowhere to run OR hide!"