A Continuing Trek to Truth

The other day I asked, "Self, do you think it's possible that the reason you find it difficult, almost impossible, to forgive another's offense lays in the fact that you don't know how to forgive yourself?" WHAT? What a mouthful of a question, a bombshell in fact! From where did it spring? Admittedly for me, forgiving an offense another generates falls short of qualifying as a "piece of cake" or "a walk in the park.'  But, but...

Hadn't I asked the Lord to teach me to forgive almost two decades ago? I had attended a Wednesday Night Midweek Service where Pastor Regina had presented a powerful lesson on how learning to forgive produces spiritual growth.  Always eager to do and be better, I used the drive home to identify people I needed to forgive.  When the roster of names lasted longer than the 20-minute drive, I sat in the car and finished it.  Whew! I didn't know there were so many.

Like Pinocchio's nose grew, so had my list as finally I unlocked and entered my home.  Getting ready for bed,  I exhaled a sigh of relief and rewarded myself with an "Atta Girl" pat. I slept well.  Certainly, I'd added names over the ensuing years, but always with a whispered prayer, Lord, help me to forgive him, her, or them."  Subsequently, I'd go on with the business or work at hand. 

Yet the other day, the self-forgiveness question wouldn't go away. 

Doubt echoed in my head and marked my steps, interrupting plans and progress.  Had I ever asked "Self" for forgiveness? Secondarily, had I really, truly forgiven the host whose offenses I had seemingly forgiven and forgotten?  Hadn't I thrown their offenses in the sea of forgetfulness like Micah, one of the minor prophets, had explained God's forgiveness toward us? 

'"Who is a God like you, pardoning
iniquity
and passing over transgression
for the remnant of his inheritance?
He does not retain his anger forever,
because he delights in steadfast love.
He will again have compassion for us;
he will tread our iniquities underfoot
You will cast all our sins
into the depth of the sea?" (Micah 7: 18-19)

Subsequently,  had I just brushed my offenses and my need to forgive myself off like lint off a black dress? Hmm.

Perhaps I need to take the time, Self, to vigorously examine my thoughts, my soul, and my heart in this regard.  "Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith.  Test yourselves.  Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?---unless indeed you are disqualified," the Apostle Paul asked in 2 Corinthians 13:5.  Too, I had to caution myself not to rush through this self-examination as merely something on my "Things To Do" list.

Nor could I wrap me in the tissue paper of trite excuses like, "I didn't mean it the way she took it"  or "Well, I only did it once," or hundreds of other "get out of jail" inanities. 

"Oh, search me, Lord
Come on and search me, Lord
Here's what I want You to do
Shine the light from heaven on my soul
If you find anything that shouldn't be
ake it out and strengthen me
'Cause I wanna bright, I wanna be saved
And I wanna be whole."

"Self, you're as guilty as homemade sin," (Grand) Mama would''ve declared.  "What you gon' do about that," she'd challenge.  Chastened and realizing I had been practicing "faux" forgiveness of others all these years and yes, of myself, I turned my face toward Jerusalem, knelt at The Cross, and asked Jesus Christ to forgive me.  "And forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors" (Matthew 6:12).

A dear pastor-friend once counseled that forgiving another is as simple as saying, "___________, I forgive you for the offense, in the name of Jesus," thus initiating the process of truly and forever throwing the offense(s) away.  He's right; it's simple, but not necessarily easy.  I now realize that each time I forgive, I am emulating my Elder Brother.

                            Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).