Self Talk

"What's wrong with me, God? Or more accurately, maybe I should ask, what's right with me? 

Why do I knit threads of doubt into skeins of distrust and disbelief?  I'm like Penelope knitting a garment on Monday, unraveling it Monday night, and beginning anew Tuesday morning.  I've squandered decades of energy on negligible enterprises.  I was present yesterday when You gave me another download.  A magnificent one.  Yet, not two hours later, I had picked up another thread of "have nots" and started weaving it into meaningless nothingness.

Before I consciously perceived it, I had begun the "worry walk" again, even though months ago I'd given up fretting for Lent.  For the umpteenth time! 

Father, I know Your Word.  Especially since my parents, staunch and steadfast believers, kept me in Sunday school and Children's Church long before I could sit still and quiet.  A natural curiosity about everything propelled me to search, study, and of course, question.   By the time I'd enrolled in the "The Bible as Literature" course as an undergraduate, I had mapped my course.  Blessed with a gift for memorization, I encapsulated Scripture, Bible history, exploits of Old and New Testament patriarchs and prophets, go-to-verses on healing, and hope into the computer of my brain.  Exciting? You'd better know it!

Tell me again, Self, how I allowed doubt and fear to insinuate into sinew,  muscles, my very essence. Disappointments? Yes, no doubt! Reliving past sorrows?  Certainly, made even worse by a friend's betrayal.  Life itself? Yes, yes, yes! Life's intrusions tipped the scales away from trusting God.  Still, I held onto what I'd learned and embraced in my formative years.  "On Christ the solid rock I stand, All other ground is sinking sand, All other ground is sinking sand."  I've experienced great heights and abysmal lows and often reminded myself of healing Words:

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want" Psalm 23:1, ESV.

For now thus says the Lord, 
he who created you, O Jacob
he who formed you, O Israel
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by my name 
he who formed you, O Israel

I have called you by name, you are mine" Isaiah 43:1, ESV.

Father, after what You did for me just 24 hours earlier, the latest miracle in a roster of miracles, how dare I? Forgive me, for I know not what I do.  Or why I do it.  Or the consequences of what I do.  I echo the father in the Book of  Luke who pleaded, "Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!"  I don't know the next step to take or even if I should, but You know.  In the name of Jesus, the Anointed One, I come to You in prayer and submission.  You know, Lord, You know! And so it is." 

.