Lonely Redux

Unbidden and certainly unexpected, Elvis lamented "I feel so lonely; I feel so lonely, I feel so lonely I could die." Me? Not really.  And anyway, where did that come from?

Sheltering In Place? No.  I've stayed in for days and weeks at a time. What prompted this voice from yesteryear, intruding out of nowhere? Snow days, even blizzard-imposed shut-ins didn't faze me.  In fact, I've self-described as the "Happy Homebody."

Then, what kind of loneliness is it? Of the heart, soul, or spirit? An absence of the Holy Spirit? No! Spirit eternally is.  He is "THE WHO I AM...This is my name forever, And this is my title for all generations" (Exodus 3:814a,15b).  Nothing negative ever comes from Him.  

So, what accounts for the gap, the disconnect? Is it that I am not who I say I am? A relatively balanced woman who keeps pressing toward the mark which seems unreachable? Do I change like a shimmering white birch leaf on a wind-blown day? Is this loneliness real or have I conjured up a fleeting feeling because I'm just out of sorts right now? 

Do I live in my head too much, so much that feelings get tossed about like a fancy Chef's salad? Is what I identify as loneliness the absence of authentic relationships?  A relationship with a person covered in flesh and blood and breathing like the tick-tock of an old-fashioned clock. Ouch! Enough, already.  So what if his emotional state mirrors mine? I nod as I agree, "Nobody'sperfect!?

For years, fear ruled and reigned in my life.  It took a lot of living, languishing, and learning to awaken from a Rip Van Winklesque stupor that masqueraded as reality throughout adolescence and much of early adulthood.  False. Evidence. Appearing. Real.  Fear dominated my days and dreams, distorted mirages even, and left me floundering for a life jacket. Yes,  I once was blind but now I see.  Hallelujah!

No magic attached to the awakening.  Rather, shiftings occurred and recurred.  I rarely recorded dates and times, except in retrospect. That's how subtle they became.  Peace. I  do remember relishing in peace that surpassed finite understanding.  It means I need to revisit sources of the fierce anxiety that presaged enervating affectations and distortions.  And I will!