An Observation, Not an Accusation

Since I spend so much time alone, it shouldn't surprise me when questions that stagger my imagination morph into proverbial light bulbs  of awareness.  Like, why do I expect perfection from family, friends, and even acquaintances (but not myself)?  How is it ridiculously easy to derive a list of "You ought to" and "You should/shouldn't have"  or "How could you?" for everybody and Adam's house cat? Why do I become sanctimonious in my self-righteousness? As if I've never tripped over my own feet.  Like I'm the vestal virgin of the world.  Perfect.  Sinless. Why don't I turn the spotlight on me and my warts? Heaven knows, I have them

Similarly, why do I find it so very difficult to forgive minor mishaps of others ("their debts," as it were), yet hide behind the coward's citadel of "I can forgive but can't forget," especially for major blunders.  They carry even heavier penalties. Why am I toting 30-year old detritus on my back like a reprobate Santa Claus opening his sackful of outdated toys and decades-old, expired coupons? Really!  Do I equate forgiveness with climbing Mt. Everest barefoot without a single piton?

When I have experienced unforgiveness, have I been required to pass impossible-to-pass" forgiveness" tests? Do I believe I reside in a place of undeserved retribution? Has my sincerity been measured on a lopsided scale or at worst, an inaccurately calibrated one? Has  my reluctance to forgive become my "Red Badge of Courage" in a  perceived cruel, unfair world? From what lens am I looking? One based on  hate and not love? Or indifference? Do I really have a legitimate definition of forgiveness? Or do I carry a mishmash of words, phrases, and feelings as synonyms for perceived or  real chicanery?

It's not that I'm unfamiliar with the concept of forgiveness or  lack familiarity with what Holy Scripture says about it.  Classic is the story of the woman who had been caught in adultery, brought by the scribes and Pharisees to be judged by Jesus, as they sotto voce  questioned His authenticity as the Messiah. Amid the  bombardment,  Jesus continued writing on the ground with his finger.  His only response, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her" (John 8:3-11).

Rather,  could it be that I have not forgiven myself of my own trespasses, thereby concluding that nobody deserves absolution? Hmm. Certainly, religion might have inculcated me with the belief that my sins are  too scarlet even  for God to forgive. That's why I question the honesty of my personal definitions.  Is there a difference between my private and public interpretations.  Or am I like the good citizens of Salem who stood crowded together while  stoning"witches" to death or burning them at the stake?

Is truth a moving target? I must continue to delve  deeper, if only for peace of mind and equity. Physician, heal thyself.

Although I don't say it with each blog, please feel to respond via ordainedelder@aol.com, Face Book, or this blog.  Thank you.