II'm Feeling Better







The last few days, I’ve felt better, more in charge of my life since I took a first, albeit tentative, step in a long trek toward dealing with life, death, and those things are in the middle or on the periphery.  Any thing. For so long I’ve felt nothing.  Or nothing worth noting. Like James Weldon Johnsn's Creation, "Darker-than-a-hundred-midnights" emptiness has marked my stark days and twilight mornings.  Ever since my Baby Daughter died.  It’s taken weeks and months even to want to acknowledge the notion of  a thumping, jazzy-gospel  mix of  “Compared to What,” by Roberta Flack, Les McCann, or Eddie Harris among other greats.  Where did that come from? I wasn’t even thinking about it---neither the song nor the thought.

In fact, the lyrics for the most part, ring nonsensically:

            “I love to lie and lie to love
            I’m hanging on they push and shove
            Possession is the motivation
            That is hangin’ up the  g**+**m nation
Looks like we always end up in a rut
Trying to make it real compared to what.

Just words to occupy time and space, because  what does it mean to go:

Church on Sunday sleep and nod     
Trying to duck the wrath of God
Preachers fillin’ us with fright
They all trying to teach us what they think is right.
They really got to be some kind of nut
I can’t use it
           Tryin’ to make it real compared to what

Now, if these disjointed lyrics are making sense today, can you imagine how out of whack my thoughts must have been a week ago?

The last months have been nightmarish.  If I'm feeling better now, can you imagine my state of mind six months ago?

 I'm trying to make the unthinkable real. Something that is unthinkable.  Something that has no comparisons.





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