Nobody Told me the Road Would be Easy...

I’m back!!! The last time I put “pen to paper” was in mid-October 2018.  If I hadn’t lived through a

crisis (of my own making?) I wouldn’t believe it,myself.  I’m back, with more of the fervor and

energy that surely had seeped out of me over a incredibly long period of time.What happened? Lots.

 Much too much to describe in this “first,” new blog of 2019. I’ll tell it all in subsequent

“notesfromabrokenheart.blogspot.com.” In a nutshell, I now realize that while I had been grieving

for some time, somehow, I had convinced myself that I had gotten over the devastating loss of

Courtney, my precious daughter, who had died suddenly, quickly, without warning, April 9, 2017.

Most would agree that the mind is incredible  It’s active, of course. It stimulates many thoughts and
emotions akin to the description of Superman:  “Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than
locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound…”  It stores more than the most powerful
computers. More than anything, in my case, it’ was protective. What do I mean? For twenty years
prior to Courtney’s departure from planet Earth, I had served in various capacities and places as a  
grief counselor. Presenting Grief and Loss sessions enlivened me! I could try and show those who
grieved that that I, too, mourned and shared their pain. I thought. I was being healed, and to a great
extent I was. So, what happened?.

I can trace it back  to the death of my first grandson, Philip, a victim of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
(SIDS) years ago..  Inconsolable,I had grieved actively, but quietly for three years. Thenl a chance
encounter with a physician friend of mine  excised questions and erased doubts I had been unable to
articulate. Her reassurances lifted the guilt I had subconsciously accused (and convicted) myself of
about  Philip’s death. It was not my fault. I had not neglected him or missed any clues, no matter how
miniscule, that might have presaged his death..It put into perspective the hundreds of books,
magazine articles, and almost constant “head talk” that had buried me in a grave of my own making.  
It overwhelmed me, yet impelled me to learn more about the grief and loss process. Indeed,
knowledge is power.

And that’s what I did---volunteered in several settings  over the next two decades Then, Courtney
died! She was the younger of two daughters God had blessed me with.  The pain was indescribable!
days and in many ways, it still is. I went numb, almost catatonic. I still worked at my business; I still
volunteered as a grief counselor.  I attended (and thoroughly grew) in the Church God had sent me
to.. I thought my life was back on track, I almost convinced the public me (and perhaps others). But
subconsciously, I stopped eating.  Not all of a sudden. I did not even realize that I was barely eating,
especially since I still prepared nutritious meals for the residents of a Halfway House where I
volunteered as well as in my kitchen.

Nevertheless, I forgot to eat. After the fact, I understood that the more I  forgot to eat, the less I would
eat. No, not until I went to a scheduled appointment with a Physician Assistant at a practice I had
been going to for 11 years or so.  When the P.A. walked in and looked at me,, she said in
astonishment, “My goodness, what’s happened to you?” I really didn’t understand her question and
certainly not her surprise. I assured her that I was fine! “Oh, no, you’re not,” she rebutted!  In her
defense, for months she had been trying to get me to seek grief counseling, as in “Physician, heal
thyself.” Whenever I went for my quarterly visits, she’d gently ask me if she could recommend
someone for me to talk to. I reassured her that I probably talked enough to myself and wasn’t in the
mood to start a three-way conversation.  Just kidding, Still, I could neither see nor feel or sense any
discernible difference in how I looked or felt...

Was I in denial? Big time!

So much was I in denial that I ended up being admitted to a Medical Center, where I stayed for eight
days, being cared for by the best staff or physicians, nurses, and ancillary caregivers there are!  Was
I scared? You bet I was!. Yep! BUT NOW I”M BACK!!! Wanting to share with you some of the things
I’ve learned. And so thankful that the Holy Spirit, my Comforter, has continued to bring me back to
where I started from---and even beyond.all I could ever ask or imagine..  “Nobody told me that the
road would be easy”BUT I don’t believe He brought me this far to leave me.”  And He hasn’t; He never
will! He assures me, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” And certainly, He will never forget us.

February 01, 2019